Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
