420 ftw
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
