I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
