Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
