a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
