so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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