Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
