Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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