Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
