Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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