i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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