I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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