So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
