I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
