goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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