My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize