just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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