She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You don't make any sense
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