I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
