Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Everyone says I win the strip club
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
