im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
