I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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