That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
