Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
