I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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