so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize