I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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