i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
