yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
