I faked an abortion last night.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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