how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
