after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize