I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
