you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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