i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
