oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
