dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
