im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
