Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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