Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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