i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
