So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Send help, water and tortillas.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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