Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
