I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
