Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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