Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
