why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
