Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
