I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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