Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
