Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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