Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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