I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
