Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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