Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
