I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
