Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
