You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
