My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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