Your dad touched me again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
